Winds of Change

Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”

“I don’t much care where -”

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.
— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

In the course of July and August, I've written a few times, but I didn't think they were good enough to publish. There were so many things that happened during the course of these two months that made me feel so many emotions that it was hard to process. A hard rejection at something I thought I nailed shook me up good.  Rejection. Not being wanted. Damn, that took many, many days to get over. Just when I started picking myself up again, I got rejected some more. Oh, July was a whirlwind of emotions. But this made me realize that I've never been rejected. I'd never felt this wave of feeling exposed and vulnerable, it was hard to digest.  I'm scared of rejection, just the thought of it gets me worked up.

So much so, if I've not done many things in the name of facing failure. 

And this is why it really got to me. That made me feel crappy for a long time. But all this rejection made me think, think of what I really, really wanted. And one thing came up. This little project I had thought about a year back and didn't have the guts to take it forward. And so I thought to myself, since I'm already on this rejection road, why not take this up? At least I'll be better prepared to face failure if it came to it. So, I'm going to take on that project and see where it goes. Now, you may be asking what this project is about, well, I am still working on it, I'm talking to people about it, putting my ideas down, planning, analyzing and over analyzing until I get this idea manifested. Until then, you and I will have to be patient. 

Apart from being 'cast away', there were other things happening around me that overwhelmed me to another level. The truth.

The truth, is a complicated thing.

And some truths were so hard to swallow that I started questioning it authenticity. The truth felt like it was coming from an entirely different world altogether, this world I had no part in, I had not known, not heard of, nor lived in. There are so many different worlds inside the one and each a labyrinth. Does this make sense? I'm still trying to make sense of it. But in the midst of all this, the only thing I could do is to listen, however hard the truth is. This itself required a lot of effort. To keep opinions and judgments to myself drove me up the wall. But circumstances needed me to keep my mouth shut and hear it all out. The good and the bad. I know I'm keeping all this very vague, but right now, I don't want to talk about the details, the nitty-gritties and the who-what-where; rather, I just want you to listen. 

Something else that I have learnt these past months is no one, absolutely no one is going to take you seriously unless you prove them wrong. And how are you going to prove them wrong - Action. That's it. Action, not words will make people sit up straight and listen. And so, now is the time for action. The easy thing to do is to sit and brood over what has happened and think about how you got played or got dealt the wrong cards; but here's the thing - the past is there for one thing.. to remind us of what was, what happened, and learn from it. Let it not take center stage or let it envelope your life. They say life is a test.. if so, then the test is to see how many times you get up and move, after getting shot at. Don't over analyse, don't over think, just DO. You need to prove to yourself more than anyone else that you can get up, stay up and fight the fight. As Tom Cruise said in the movie 'A Few Good Men' -

"It doesn't matter what I believe, what only matters is what I can PROVE".  

Go ahead then.


P.s - Ladies, you know that one month where you get your period twice? One at the very beginning and one at the very end? Ya, that was my July. And it sucked.