It’s been a while since I wrote to you. I’ve been putting it off, ignoring it, postponing it - like a feeling I don’t want to address. But, writing to me is like addressing the issue and letting it go. And I want to LET IT GO.
If you’re part of my family, you know. Part of my inner circle, you also know. But like many of us, family and friends doesn’t end there does it? I’m putting it all here for everyone else to know, but most importantly for me. To bare it all, to tell and accept my truth.
For 9 months now my husband and I have separated. This has been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made in my life, yet. We were married for 5 years, we even celebrated our 5th year anniversary together after taking this decision.
Ours wasn’t a smooth marriage. We had a few up’s but major downs. And a major one being my kidney failure leading to my kidney transplant. People say traumatic events can either bring people closer, or drive them apart - guess which this one did.
When someone is going through a 360, the least others can do is be there for them emotionally, and I had become an emotional wreck. I didn’t want to tell my family what I was going through during my dialysis and transplant days (they were going through their own thing), so I turned to him all the time. But, I suppose he wasn’t equipped to handle me either, so most of the times I had to be my own shoulder. It was something we were all experiencing and going through together, and I can imagine how hard it must have been for him. I could tell this was something he did not sign up for; but none of us did. And because I couldn’t bear something else falling apart when I was recovering, I held on and got him to hold on too. Got us to hold on for 3 more years.
I truly loved his family like my own, loved them and cared for them. They were the best part of him. And I know, he loved my family like he did his. So the idea of breaking off with everyone left me with many sleepless nights. But, I knew neither of us could go on like this.
My patience was wearing thin and I had come to the end of the rope. This was not how I had envisioned my life to be. When I got married, I did not ever think or was prepared for the shit storm that was about to come my way. But, it did, and I dealt with it the best way I knew how.
The days that were leading to my final say were the most important. Because they really showed me how it would be if I stayed. For me there were two major questions that I needed answers for and when both were exactly what I expected and as much as it was devastating and disappointing to hear it, I now clearly knew that I would be failing MYSELF and disrespecting MYSELF as a person if I stayed. But, if I have to appreciate something, it would be his honesty. So, I thank him for that.
And so, on December 17th ‘18, we had the longest, open and most honest conversations we had in our 5 year marriage. And finally came to an agreement to separate.
I’m baring it all, not to gain sympathy - that’s the last thing I want. But, I want you to see the other side.
That other side being my brother, my father and my mother. And my cousins and my aunts and my friends. The day I told my parents was the hardest thing I’ve had to face. Of course there were question and things, but after they understood - they took me back in like I had never left. I say this because I know how the pressure of society can be. How many daughters left to go back and stay on. My pillar of support, my rock - my brother RAHUL has been my single source of strength from 1988. This guy knows me better than I know myself. He’s been my mother, father everything rolled into one. And having this strength and support my dear readers, is what has got me through this year with my head held high.
I write to you now, with a job in hand that pays for my medicines, this awesome website AND my shopping. I work at a job I absolutely love, I’m surrounded with people I love and who love me back. I feel safe, confident, happy and loved. I have come back to feeling like myself again after a LONG time and that makes me so so happy.
What I want you all to take from this is this - YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE. Don’t put up with anyone or anything just because you have to or obligated to. If bridges can be burnt, so can papers. It’s hard, I can tell you that; I’m still sad and disappointed from what has happened. But I feel as though a mask is lifted, I feel the sun shining and feel free.
I apologize if this has shaken some of you, but if I can go on, so can you.
Choose yourself - every.single.time.
Here’s to always, looking up.
P.S - everything I have written is from my experience. I know I have kept many things vague, and unclear. But understand that I still respect him, his family and their privacy.
What I want from you is your love and positivity. That’s all.