This week has been absolutely wonderful to me and I am so happy to have experienced it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. And before I could deal and accept the ugly, I had to deal with my own ugly - how protected and bubbled I have been. How dependent I'd become on other people.
But all that changed when I met Mr.Husband. He with his strictly routined life entered mine and there was an explosion. He challenged me in ways my family wouldn't dare. He pushed me to do things that my folks would find ways to do themselves. He motivated me at times I felt I was my most useless self. He listened to my grand ideas and fantasies about my life, where I saw my self, what I saw myself do and how I would get there. And then he listened to all that change in a fraction of a second when something didn't go my way. And then start all over again. He showed me that he could be as stubborn as me and that he wouldn't stop nagging till he got his way. I can look back and smile at all those times now, but during those times, all I could think was to run away from it all. December this year would mark four years of being together.
But this post isn't about Mr.Husband and how he got his way, rather, Mr.Husband and how he showed me the way. If not for his constant pestering and nagging, I wouldn't have pushed myself out of this bubbled and sheltered life. I now find myself opening up to life and all her stories. I type this post thinking and reminiscing about the week that was, and how! I got in touch with people I haven't spoken to in years, I experienced joy and happiness in young women who tried out skate boarding for the first time. I saw kindness, patience, love, and then a major out break (the ugly). Something that shook me to my very core, something that I thought wouldn't not come back to haunt me ever again. Something so raw, so loud, so terrifying, that I was shaking with tears. When I think back, that moment of breakdown - anger and love and a whole lot of other emotions all mixed up that led it to a confetti-like explosion.
Moments like those I have encounter all through my life at different intervals; it has always led to one thing - me closing up, building that fort, that wall, that no one could break, trapping emotions and feelings inside that will never be available to anyone. So much so, that during my diagnosis I didn't shed one tear - Mr.Husband was the only one I subjected those to - I had to force it out of me. Two days back I couldn't write about this event without balling my eyes out, but now, I feel peaceful, happy even. Although it will take me sometime to open up to the person in question, I feel that, that episode that stirred something in me. I didn't go back into my cocoon, the wall was still there but I made a door. The next day I grabbed my camera and off I went to attend the workshop for Girl Skate India, where I felt peaceful, and happy looking at girls cruising on their skate boards, falling down and then getting back up again. And that's how I feel now, life and its many moments can throw you off, way off, but its up to you and you alone to get up, dust yourself off and get back on the saddle.
So now, I will leave you with this quote I heard from the movie 'Wild' - "There is a sunrise and a sunset every day and you can choose to be there for it. You can put yourself in the way of beauty". So I hope anyone reading this going through something similar, I hope you get back up and put yourself in the way of beauty.
Love and Peace.