The deep end.

This obsessiveness about obesity, staying fit, eating healthy, who gained, who lost, enveloped a lot of my childhood - teen - adult years. I like many others have joined the gym, paid the fee (donation as I see it), and after a couple of days - quit. This cycle happened as regularly as I paid penalty for missing classes in college (a regular affair). As a school student I used to attend Bharatnatyam classes till my 10th standard, and then it stopped because mother said this one-hour-every-weekend would get in between and really mess with my studies. I think I was glad too that it stopped, the dance teacher was this old over weight gentleman who rode the Luna that somehow miraculously fit him plus two, sometimes three other students, and who was also a perv, which I sadly realize now. Coming back to topic, the minute i stopped dance, needless to say, I gained a lot of weight. But somehow during all of this I always remember having a positive body image of myself. No it wasn't my mother who instilled this, it was Oprah. Yes, she. I was and still am a huge fan of hers and I remember rushing back from school to catch her show - she really drove self love, self confidence, just being happy with who you are. I love her. so, in my head, I always looked at myself with a positive outlook, but it would all come crashing down when I realized i wasn't someone else's idea of perfect and beautiful. and so began the circle of joining the gym, starting diets to 'look better' and to 'feel better' and in a few days quit, again. 

So I constantly struggled with the need to please others and to be happy with myself. This catch 22 type of situation. But what I realize now, is that all those years I was able to control it all, myself; the weight, the diet etc. Now, two years since surgery with all the medication i'm constantly taking I've come to another level of struggle. This sudden rise in my weight that I cant seem to have in control. None of my clothes fit me anymore, I've given away most of my wardrobe to friends and family, diet although healthy made no difference, my lifestyle drastically changed, I had no other option but to eat and be fit for my sake. It took me a long time to come to terms with my 'new normal'. These changes also made me realize the importance in being happy, mentally. How this is directly affects a person and how that affects your health and happiness. That health is really wealth. It's as they say, you don't know what you have until its gone. I now try and make conscious decisions on my health and lifestyle. But bare in mind I am only human, I have faulted here too, a hundred times and faced consequences. The main culprit - anything sweet. Consequence - Diabetes.  

So with all this and more, I made sure i did things that made me happy and healthy, inside and out. Mr husband being a fitness enthusiast, made sure this year we stayed fit and exercised for the betterment of our health rather than for losing weight. This past year is the most I have ever exercised, and I'm happy to say, I have finally found something that I absolutely love doing - swimming and playing badminton. The latter I love more. This came with us moving to our new apartment in April. Mr Husband and I found this sports center that's close to home; they have 10 badminton courts and a large indoor, temperature controlled swimming pool. Who doesn't love a swim without worrying about the tan, I thought. 

Where the first half of the year i struggled with my weight; the second half I struggled with acceptance. This, coming to accept this new version of me hit me the most while staring at myself in the mirror in my new swimming suit. Accepting that 'L' to 'XL' is my size, my breasts now fit in a 36dd bra, I have a double chin, ever expanding arms and thighs, stomach rolls, stretch marks and scars all over. Funny enough with all this, my bum has somehow lost its 'roundness'; I have no idea how. I had all this going through my head while standing in a one piece which comes with a small skirt (it hid nothing). I chose this 'revealing' suit for the simple reason that I wanted to feel good and sexy and confident in all my 75kg glory. I didn't want to hid it. I didn't want to care. I so badly wanted not to care, but who was I kidding. Before opening the doors to the people in the pool, I peaked one last time at myself, took a deep breathe and opened the door and walked straight to Mr.Husband who said "looking great babe". That didn't help because I still had to go in the pool and look at the people in their perfect bodies in it looking at me. There was nothing Mr Husband could say that could silence the insecurity in me. So straight into the pool I went. Trying not to look at the other people; until i did. There were men and women just like me, bodies like mine and some bigger. No perfect ten's in sight. As i looked around, all everyone did was swim, not giving two hoots about anyone, not what they were wearing, nothing. The men too, in their own worlds, no uncomfortable stares. I felt free and happy. After that day, I've met women who share my same insecurities but, like me, have decided to let go and enjoy. Letting go of this notion of being the perfect figure. That with happiness comes good health. Exercise to be and keep fit. Its one of the best thing I've found this year - happiness, acceptance and letting go.

Me cracking a smile after a swim in a 20 degree pool!

Me cracking a smile after a swim in a 20 degree pool!